Fast Isn't Fast Enough (updated)

According to Satan's lawyers, the winning bidder of this Pat Robertson Voodoo Doll will take on full legal responsibility if anything bad should happen to Robertson. But don't let that stop you. Bidding on the item ends January 26 -- more than a week from now.

Which brings me to another matter that my friend Trung pointed out on his blog. In this age of instant messaging, our aid to Haiti isn't so instant. In fact, if you're text messaging your donations, your mobile carrier may not submit your money to charity until after you've paid your bill. This may lead to delays of 30 to 60 days. The best way to help the people of Haiti is to donate directly to respectable charities.

By the way, the whole idea of Haitian voodoo dolls is really just an idea conjured up by Hollywood. When you see those spooky little dolls in shops in Haiti or New Orleans, they are only there there to amuse the tourists.

Anyway, I never thought I'd be doing PR for voodoo, but while I'm at it, I might as well print some PR for Satan. He wants the world to know that he's never made any deals with Haiti:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

(LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS)

Well, now we know how Robertson got his fame.

(update: Verizon, Sprint, and T-Mobile have agreed to release the money upfront.)