Fast Isn't Fast Enough (updated)

According to Satan's lawyers, the winning bidder of this Pat Robertson Voodoo Doll will take on full legal responsibility if anything bad should happen to Robertson. But don't let that stop you. Bidding on the item ends January 26 -- more than a week from now.

Which brings me to another matter that my friend Trung pointed out on his blog. In this age of instant messaging, our aid to Haiti isn't so instant. In fact, if you're text messaging your donations, your mobile carrier may not submit your money to charity until after you've paid your bill. This may lead to delays of 30 to 60 days. The best way to help the people of Haiti is to donate directly to respectable charities.

By the way, the whole idea of Haitian voodoo dolls is really just an idea conjured up by Hollywood. When you see those spooky little dolls in shops in Haiti or New Orleans, they are only there there to amuse the tourists.

Anyway, I never thought I'd be doing PR for voodoo, but while I'm at it, I might as well print some PR for Satan. He wants the world to know that he's never made any deals with Haiti:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

(LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS)

Well, now we know how Robertson got his fame.

(update: Verizon, Sprint, and T-Mobile have agreed to release the money upfront.)

A Pact with the Devil

Maybe Pat Robertson thought that earthquake was in Hades and not Haiti? Why else would he be telling these fairy tales about pacts with the devil:


(MediaMatters video)

I live in California, and we are also often accused of dealings with the devil. However, somehow our civil engineering and strict adherence to building codes have minimized our losses during comparable earthquakes. True story.

But I'm thoroughly tired, disgusted, and dismayed by the childish and superstitious explanations for "why bad things happen." What is this? The dark ages? Haiti has had a series of disasters including flooding, tropical storms, and hurricanes which they are vulnerable to because of geography, soil erosion, and deforestation. Haiti is the poorest country in the Americas, and their government has a history of corruption. No wonder they can't make a building stand:

Haiti is 80% Roman Catholic and 16% Protestant, and during a time of heartbreaking crisis, a leading American Christian stigmatizes them with blame and bullshit. They don't need this.

Red Flags

I procrastinated digging through the shit pile of misinformation surrounding Major Nidal Malik Hasan, the gunman who killed 13 at Fort Hood last Thursday. But now it's apparent that the man had ties to Muslim extremists, and his military colleagues missed some glaring clues:

Major Nidal Malik Hasan, the gunman who killed 13 at America's Fort Hood military base, once gave a lecture to other doctors in which he said non-believers should be beheaded and have boiling oil poured down their throats.

He also told colleagues at America's top military hospital that non-Muslims were infidels condemned to hell who should be set on fire. The outburst came during an hour-long talk Hasan, an Army psychiatrist, gave on the Koran in front of dozens of other doctors at Walter Reed Army Medical Centre in Washington DC, where he worked for six years before arriving at Fort Hood in July.

His colleagues were also psychiatrists. I'm not sure what that says about the profession if people with the proper knowledge and experience could not see that Hasan was dangerous. Hell, American high school students, ever since Columbine, have been expected to report any threats immediately. You'd think these professionals would know better. Military base shootings have happened before.

But we are slow learners in many ways. As if on cue, the anti-Muslim rhetoric is being revved up by, of course, the religious-right:


(Media Matters video)

So Pat Robertson believes that Islam is "a violent political system bent on the overthrow of the governments of the world and world domination." Funny, but I guess that's also how Muslim extremists see other religions too! And with a prominent figure like Robertson sounding like he's embracing a new crusade against the 1.5 billion Muslims in the world, we're doomed for perpetual conflict.

Our religions aren't helping us. Well, certainly not fundamentalism. I'm not sure what comes first though. Fundamentalism and then violence? Or a warped desire for violence which searches for some kind of justification in religion. Whatever the religion, the mindset is the same.

Rational and politically moderate people will continue to look for answers for a long time. But the conservative media has predictably jumped to blame who else but President Obama. Unless they can find a red flag titled "Hasan Determined to Strike in US," I think they need to stick to reality. And until a proper investigation is completed, maybe our only response can be sorrow.

Oh, Pat!

Nobody -- absolutely nobody -- should ever take Pat Robertson seriously. So try not to laugh too hard as you watch this video where Pat responds to Maine's marriage equality law saying, "You mark my words, this is just the beginning in a long downward slide in relation to all the things that we consider to be abhorrent":




Of course, Pat's argument is the classic "slippery slope" fallacy. Pat offers no justifications or legal precedents showing how marriage equality will lead to legalizing bestiality or that other sick crap he was dreaming about.

But here's what I really find funny. Gay marriage opponents are always mentioning their favorite story about the woman in India who married a snake. However, homosexuality is illegal in India. So, by Pat's logic, it must be the ban on gay marriage that leads to these bizarre unions!

Oh, Pat! I sense that you're trying your hardest to equate homosexuality with child molestation, but the facts don't support your fear-mongering. In fact, despite what certain fake plumbers think, America is slowly moving toward a more tolerant view of homosexuality. Maybe the Republican party should try to progress with the rest of us?