Exactly What a Witch Would Say

I know Halloween is coming because witches are in the air and people are coming out of the ground.

(SNL video.)

Something Evil's Lurking

Turn up the sound and watch closely:


(YouTube video)

Happy Halloween!

We Interrupt this Program...

On October 30, 1938, the Martians invaded New Jersey.

Since I thought hoax week 2009 was so much fun, I decided to experience the greatest hoax of them all: Orson Welles' radio broadcast of The War of The Worlds. I put the mp3 on my iPod and listened to it alone in the dark...

It starts off as a dance music broadcast -- or at least what they called dance music back then. But the party is interrupted by an Intercontinental Radio News report of enormous blue flames shooting out of Mars. Then, minutes later, another report that a meteor has fallen to Earth! Then, a minute later, reporters are ready at the scene for continuous coverage of the meteor. But then the meteor starts to open! It's really a spaceship, and it has tentacles!

"Good heavens -- something's wriggling out of the shadow," the fake newscaster reported. "It glistens like wet leather. But that face -- it… it is indescribable."

The whole thing is so not scary. The timeline alone is unbelievable. I guess it's just one of those things where you had to be there in the 30's, listening to the miracle of modern radio and trusting -- trusting that this was an urgent news bulletin and taking it all as fact. These people weren't stupid, but the world outside our own atmosphere had not been demystified yet. So thousands of listeners panicked:

Believing that the nation had been invaded by Martians, many listeners panicked. Some people loaded blankets and supplies in their cars and prepared to flee. One mother in New England reportedly packed her babies and lots of bread into a car, figuring that "if everything is burning, you can't eat money, but you can eat bread." Other people hid in cellars, hoping that the poisonous gas would blow over them. One college senior drove forty-five miles at breakneck speed in a valiant attempt to save his girlfriend.

But still, there is the annoying detail that during the broadcast there were three announcements stating that this was a dramatization of The War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells. The newspaper that day had also listed the program as an adaptation of the book.

Could it be that the reports of mass panic are also a hoax?

But historians also claim that newspaper accounts over the following week greatly exaggerated the hysteria. There are estimates that about 20 percent of those listening believed it was real. That translates to less than a million people.

At the time, newspapers considered radio an upstart rival. Some in the print press, resentful of the superior radio coverage during the Munich crisis, may have sought to prove a point about the irresponsibility of the radio broadcast.

Somehow I'll sleep a little better knowing common sense prevailed during that historic misunderstanding. However, I'm still greatly disturbed over the dangerous crap that educated people are willing to believe today.

Interview with the Glampire

Maybe Adam Lambert is trying to save money on a costume this Halloween? The overly dramatic American Idol runner-up will be going as a "glampire."

The Onion has some advice on how to find a masculine Halloween costume for your effeminate son, but it's a little too late for Adam:


How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

We've Earned A New Puppy

Over on Gawker, they have the scoop on the people who will fix your money. The BBC has the scoop on who has been named for the new Obama administration. And over on Newsweek, they scoop the poop on past White House lawn poopers.

I find that all fascinating, but I want to talk about a different type of animal. The elephant. The mascot of the Republican party, right? So why not dress your little Republican offspring as an elephant for Halloween? I wouldn't have given much thought to that idea until I was watching Countdown tonight and was alarmed at what I saw at about 5:30 into the following video (if video doesn't show, click here):



Did you see it for yourself? Sarah Palin dressed her son with Downs Syndrome in a Dumbo costume! He's mentally challenged and in a Dumbo costume. Does that woman ever think? Am I being hyper sensitive?

When I was a child back in the dark ages (the 1970's), I had to go to a "special" school where they placed children with physical disabilities in the same classrooms with children with mental disabilities. It actually wasn't a bad deal. The class sizes were very small and my lessons were individualized for my abilities and pace...

But what I'm remembering is that when they put on an annual play, and they chose Snow White -- it was changed to Snow White and the Six Dwarves. They intentionally left out Dopey. There was no need to teach new and demeaning labels to vulnerable children. There was no need to reinforce the epithets they may have already heard from their crueler peers.

Palin's baby boy is too young to remember this event, but I hope she gains a modicum of political correctness before her son goes to school.

Happy Halloween!

Busy day? You can still fit some tales of terror into your Halloween with these spooky stories that clock in at just 30 seconds:

The Beeps

There are bad people out there--at least that's what the security system guy told me.

"I hate security systems," I told him.

"You are by yourself at the end of a deserted road," he said. "I can even set yours so a beep sounds every time a door is opened."

"I don't need that," I told him.

Nevertheless, when he left, I went out to get the mail, be-e-e-e-p. I came back in, be-e-e-e-p. I put the garbage out, be-e-e-e-p.

I cursed the security system.

But hours later, I am awakened. My heart is pounding. Alone, in the dark, I hear the sound of... be-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-p.

-- Elise Primavera

What Are You Wearing...

...for Halloween? I'm never invited anywhere lately, so I usually just put on a witch's hat and hand out candy to the kids. Did you ever wear any of these costumes when you were a kid? Well, I never had any of those particular prepackaged costumes, but that style -- with the one-size-fits-all plastic jumpsuit, the plastic mask held on by a thin rubber band that usually broke, and the mask that made you sweat profusely -- you'd get to about two houses and have to take the damn thing off -- oh yeah, I had plenty of those costumes. Fond memories indeed.

I heard it's not really cool for drag queens to go as Sarah Palin this year (or any year). Though I suppose you can put some creativity into it -- moose burgers, pit bulls, oil drilling, Bush in drag, Republican dominatrix -- there's way too much to parody here, and way too much to be frightened by.