Mistakes I Can Eat 2010

I am feeling jolly. Maybe this Christmas season isn't as fun packed as last year's -- friends are out of work and on tight budgets -- but I still spent time with the people I care about and we stuck to the usual traditions.

But here is a holiday custom you'd think we'd be getting better at: our gingerbread creations. I usually sit down with my mom, my sister and her son, now seven years old, and decorate some pre-cut gingerbread treats. Our 2008 mini gingerbread village was memorable because we substituted broken gingerbread pieces with miniature Hershey bars:


In 2009 we thought gingerbread men would be a little easier -- no assembly required. Plus, you can put a lot of creativity into the little guys, and we did. The green skeleton was a hit:


This year, with 2008 memories fading, we attempted the mini village again. No broken pieces this time!


With my nephew being a little older now, we attempted a set of gingerbread ornaments too. Here is one that I decorated, and well, I had no intentions of making it look like a rotary phone... but oh well.


All in all, they still tasted good!


Merry Christmas everybody! I look forward to blogging in 2011!

What Not To Get Me 2010

This post started as a list of ten dorky gifts under $10, but the truth is that I wouldn't want to receive most of this stuff, it's not all under $10, and I couldn't come up with ten things. But certainly giving any of these items to your loved ones will make it a Christmas to remember!


First up is this Buzz Light Year sippycup. My, doesn't he look confident? Maybe it's because he doesn't contain any cadmium... Or...

Next up is How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much. $10.36 from Amazon.com. The taboos have all been shattered. Penis books are definitely HOT this year!


If that title is a little too suggestive, you might want to consider this gem: Obscene Interiors available at Dream in Plastic for $8.00. What could be obscene about interior decorating you might ask? Let me quote the publisher: "Artist/Author/Provocateur Justin Jorgensen provides incredible voyeuristic insight into interior decorating through the unlikely prism of online personal ads. The exhibitionistic men who originally appeared in these found images have been turned into anonymous silhouettes so that Jorgensen can critique the much-more-interesting bad decorating taking place in the background."

Enough already. This list is about more than wee-wee themed jokes. How about an inflatable banana protector for that special someone on your list? It's available from a UK company called Fruity Faces and will set you back a couple of British pounds. Honestly, I'm thinking about the children with this one. They need more fiber in their diets!

Also, bacon flavored popcorn for $4.99 from ThinkGeek.com. I'm not sure if anybody needs this in their diets, but thanks to Holy Juan's secret Santa who I stole this gift idea from.

Another fine culinary delight courtesy of ThinkGeek.com is bleeding heart gummy candy! The world needs more bleeding hearts.

My final gift idea is for the skeptic on your list. In fact, frequent readers might have noticed how often I use the word "skeptical," so it's appropriate that science-themed ceramic jewelry (approx. price $18 - $38) gets the Dorkmonger gift-giving seal of approval this year.

And remember friends, this holiday season, don't drink and gift.

Christmas Survived the Roman Empire

...And yet if some city renames their "Christmas parade" to a "holiday parade," the tradition will certainly be destoryed:

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In all honesty, I never expected the war to last so long.

Bright Ideas

I was sorting through my folders of images -- or folder I should say... nothing like downloading all your images into one folder -- trying to figure out what to put on my new Sony digital picture frame. The picture to the left didn't make the cut, but I've been meaning to work it into some blog post somewhere. So here it is.

"The use of Electricity for lighting is in no way harmful to health, nor does it affect the soundness of sleep."

They worried about stuff like that back then, but apparently fires were a much bigger concern. A mere three years after Edison demonstrated the practicality of the light bulb, another inventor, Edward Hibberd Johnson, was ready to string them on Christmas trees. Unfortunately, it would be many more years until somebody invented the pre-lit artificial Christmas tree.

The Underpants Bomber

I debated whether the Christmas Day Underpants Bomber was worthy of a blog post. I wasn't at all surprised. We're still threatened by terrorists? No shit. I wasn't intrigued. Somebody tried to bring down an airliner? You're kidding me? And I wasn't frightened. Dangers exist in the world? Even on Christmas?

The modus operandi of this near disaster was funny though... like something from every wannabe comedian's act. Will TSA ask us to take off our underpants now? Well, not if airports get these naked scanners:


The real story here is our reaction. That's all we do when it comes to security -- react. It starts with the 24-hour news channel coverage loop which is clearly designed to scare the shit out of us. Then, TSA implements new flight restrictions like asking passengers to stay in their seats for the last hour of the flight. So now any potential terrorist has to launch his plot 65 minutes before landing. Golly, that ought to stop them.

The fact is that every "security hole" we plug has existed since the beginning of commercial flights. That's right. We've always been at the mercy of liquid bombers, shoe-bombers, and underpants-bombers. When somebody actually attempts it, we react. And then somebody will attempt something else, and the fear feeds the endless loop, and maybe one day the airports will give us all paper hospital gowns, anesthetize us, and still.. somebody will find a way to cause harm.

At least one security expert has it right. Bruce Schneier has been saying this for years:

Only two things have made flying safer [since 9/11]: the reinforcement of cockpit doors, and the fact that passengers know now to resist hijackers.

Everything else is a useless, knee-jerk reaction. As a nation, we still act ridiculously naive on these issues.

Anyway, I'm going back to playing with my Christmas toys. Stay safe.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I am bursting with Christmas spirit! No joke. And what makes me feel so jolly? Maybe seeing that attention-seeking whore Richard Heene (balloon boy's dad) being sentenced to 90 days in jail and ordered to repay the $42,000 in rescue costs. That's a steep price for 15 minutes of fame, and the asshole deserved it.

But besides crass vengeance, another source of holiday cheer is more traditional. Here's my nephew at his very first elementary school Christmas performance (short kid, back row center):


They even sang Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!

Hey, if you want to learn something about how your kids think, ask them if they believe in Santa Claus, and then ask them if they believe in the garbage man. Like most of us, they've probably never even seen the garbage man, so why should they believe?

A trip to San Francisco to see Wicked with a good friend also put me in a festive mood. I highly recommend you see that show if you get a chance. We also took a little trip to Union Square for dinner. I live so close to the city, and yet rarely go. I should have taken more pictures. Here's one of the ceiling at the Orpheum Theater before they yelled at me about no photography allowed. I'm such a rebel.

Baking is also a big part of Christmas.

Ok, I confess. We just put those pre-baked gingerbread men on a cookie sheet for the photo-op. The decorating, though, was truly our own. And have you ever seen such a pathetic bunch of gingerbread men, women, green skeletons, and three-eyed monsters? I didn't think so.

Merry Christmas!

Budding Cartoonists

When a Massachusetts second grader was asked to sketch something that reminded him of Christmas, he drew this:


The elementary school, in complete bureaucratic overreaction, decided the stick figure image of a crucified Jesus was violent and required the child to undergo a psychological evaluation.

I know more than a few people who wear something similar in gold around their necks. I guess they should all go see the school psychologist too...

I agree with those who say this has nothing to do with a war on Christmas or an attack on Christianity. It's just another dumb safety policy that does nothing to make people safe.

There Ain't Any Santa Claus

This may be the one time you see Shirley Temple on my blog:


(YouTube video)

Though Shirley Temple was charming, you have to love Jane Withers as the spoiled brat.

Ambushing Christmas

A war to "save" Christmas is the biggest load of garbage I've ever heard. Four or five years ago, whenever this thing started, I thought it was a silly fracas created by some idiots who were angry at Macy's and Sears over the audacity of "happy holidays" signs. But I had no idea the war would last so long. None of us did.

The 2009 battle has a new tactic. Now Fox News, led by Bill O'Reilly, is stalking and hounding a Boston area school principal because... something about the banning of Christmas items from the school fundraiser. I really don't even understand the significance or crisis here...

I have a rant building up inside of me about the phony victimhood of Republicans and Christians, but that will have to wait for another night. Right now I'll just say that my best childhood Christmas memories took place at home. Oh sure, I liked the little songs we sang in elementary school and the punch and cookies on the last day before the winter break. I liked them because it meant we weren't doing actual work! I liked these little things because they were a change of pace from workbooks, multiplication tables, and spelling tests.

Skipping these school celebrations does seem a bit dispiriting, but that whole separation of church and state kind of trumps it all. Plus, we're a much more diverse country now with many more races and religions in the classroom.

So my youngest nephew started kindergarten this year. If he never sings Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer with his classmates, what difference will it make to him? Not a whole lot I assume. For better or worse, he's surrounded by the trappings of Christmas on television, the internet, the shops and malls... and oh yeah, at home.

This "war" matters more to Bill O'Reilly than anybody else... probably because O'Reilly profits from the hysteria he causes. But in a year where we've seen some horrible violence from the right-wing fringe, for God's sake, don't put our schools in the crosshairs! That's exactly what Fox is doing when they make sure their sheep get a clear view of the Boston school's street address. This could end in tragedy.

If O'Reilly sincerely wants to save Christmas, maybe he should drop the ambush reporting and dedicate his entire show to peace and joy? But no, Brave Bill is on a crusade against a school principal: "I have to tell you, madam, that you'll appear on this program one way or the other... because we're not letting it go." Yeah, that's what Christmas is all about.

Let it Snow

It's a slippery slope. First TSA takes our babies (or not) and then they take our snowglobes. Both contain liquid, but only the snowglobes have been banned from flights.

Confiscating liquids at airport security checkpoints is, of course, the ongoing reaction to the 2006 terrorist plot to bring down airliners with liquid bombs.

But I'm not being totally snarky with my remark about babies containing liquids. We all do, and many of the ingredients for explosive mixtures, such as potassium nitrate, ammonium nitrate and phosphorus, were originally manufactured from putrefied urine, though that process seems a little too complicated to carry out in an airplane lavatory.

So anyway, just consider this blog post a friendly holiday warning to pack your favorite snowglobes in your luggage, and if by chance your wintry tchotchkes mysteriously disappear, look for them on eBay.

This Spells "Literary Crisis"

Here is yet another story of plagiarism in the digital age. Neale Donald Walsch, apparently a best-selling author who has conversations with God, is accused of plagiarizing a Christmas essay that is all over the internet -- sometimes credited to the real author and sometimes not.

Walsch has tried to explain his misdeed. His explanation is hard to swallow, but there is always the cryptomnesia defense. I guess Hillary Clinton could have used that defense too during the whole "sniper fire" drama last spring.

But anyway, after reading the disputed essay, I have a bigger question. Who would want to take credit for this dreck? If that's what people are reading these days, we're in a literary crisis.

Christmas: Paid In Full

Yippee! I don't have to pay my Christmas bills if I just download this sheet of stickers from Benny Hinn and follow his simple instructions:

CLAIM YOUR DEBT CANCELLATION TODAY BY USING THESE STICKERS!

Place a sticker on your mortgage, loan, and credit card bills, as you ask God to give you a financial breakthrough.

As you send in your seed-gifts and prayer requests, place a sticker on the reply form, which Pastor Benny and Dr. Oral Roberts will lay hands on, and believe that you will receive a mighty outpouring.

Hey, if Benny knew about supernatural debt cancellation all along, why didn't he save Washington Mutual, IndyMac or any of the other failed banks? It probably wasn't God's will or something. That's it.

By the way, if I pay my bills online, do I just stick these to my monitor?

Midnight Madness

This really does sound like a late night Christmas bargain bonanza. I'm talking about the midnight regulations -- actually more like deregulations -- that President Bush is zealously handing out at an accelerated pace as his reign comes to an end. Each new rule is a special gift tied in a bow for one of his friends:

To the coal companies: a new rule that makes it easier for companies that mine for coal buried under mountaintops to dump rock and sludge near rivers and streams.

To a British mining company: a permit allowing them to explore for uranium just outside Grand Canyon National Park, less than three miles from a popular lookout over the canyon’s southern rim.

To the oil companies: (considering that Bush already gave them the war in Iraq, this one is more like a stocking stuffer) new regulations to develop oil shale deposits straddling almost two million acres of public lands in Colorado, Utah and Wyoming.

To the industrial farms: new regulations to circumvent the Clean Water Act, leaving it up the the farms themselves to decide if animal waste discharges are harmful or not.

To big chemical companies: a decision to exempt perchlorate, a known toxin found in jet rocket fuel and our water supply, from federal regulation. Hey, if it ends up in our drinking water, just think of it as recycling... right?

To business: a new rule that makes it harder for the government to regulate toxic substances and hazardous chemicals to which workers are exposed on the job.

To fundamentalist pharmacists: a new rule that says health care providers can refuse to assist, due to religious or moral reasons, in the performance of any part of a health service program or research activity financed by the Department of Health and Human Services. Many believe this regulation might prevent some women from obtaining birth control.

And to the rest of us, he leaves debt, two wars/occupations, a shitty economy, an imperiled planet, and a government that spies on its citizens. They always say "it's the thought that counts," but be thankful for gift receipts...

I thought I read that it was easy to undo these midnight regulations, but the process is not simple. From a Rolling Stone article on Bush's Final FU, the Congressional Review Act (CRA) may be the best hope for overturning these rules, but it's not easy:

But even this option, it turns out, is fraught with obstacles. First, the CRA requires a separate vote on each individual regulation. Second, the act prohibits reviving any part of a rule that has been squelched. Since Bush's rules sometimes contain useful reforms — the move to limit the Family and Medical Leave Act also extends benefits for military families — spiking the rules under the CRA would leave Obama unable to restore or augment those benefits in the future. Whatever Obama does will require him to expend considerable political capital, at a time when America faces two wars and an economic crisis of historic proportions.

So what should the world give Bush for Christmas? An Iraqi journalist already gave him a gift with sole (if video doesn't show, click here):



Too bad he missed, but hey, it's the thought that counts.

Mistakes I Can Eat

I know my blog posts are switching between seasonal and serious this month, but I'm enjoying the distractions.

So my five year old nephew came over today, and we made some miniature gingerbread houses. After we were done, he got the wise idea that his grandparents should judge whose house was better. I don't know where he gets his competitiveness from!

But his houses were definitely better than mine, so I turned his attention towards video games before I could be humiliated. Luckily, he can't beat me at those yet.

By the way, if you're making this particular gingerbread mini village, and you accidentally break a few of the roof pieces, Hershey's miniatures are a perfect substitute.

Heckuva Job, Rummy

It seems that Bush is on a "Save My Legacy" tour. As he worked the crowd at West Point on Tuesday, he gave a shout out to his old pal and former defense secretary, Donald H. Rumsfeld:

Finally, we are transforming our military for a new kind of war that we're fighting now, and for wars of tomorrow. This transformation was a top priority for the enterprising leader who served as my first Secretary of Defense -- Donald Rumsfeld. Today, because of his leadership and the leadership of Secretary Bob Gates, we have made our military better trained, better equipped, and better prepared to meet the threats facing America today, and tomorrow, and long in the future.

Wars of tomorrow, Mr. President? Exactly how many did you and your criminal friends plan? And although I won't question the skills and training of our military, I will question any statement that they are somehow better off because of these wars. By many accounts, our military is stretched, strained, and suffering. They deserve better!

But Bush's speech leaves me with a sense of deja vu. While Bush praises Rummy, a government report blames Rummy for detainee abuses:

A report released Thursday by leaders of the Senate Armed Services Committee said top Bush administration officials, including Donald H. Rumsfeld, the former defense secretary, bore major responsibility for the abuses committed by American troops in interrogations at Abu Ghraib in Iraq; Guantánamo Bay, Cuba; and other military detention centers.

The report was issued jointly by Senator Carl Levin of Michigan, the Democratic chairman of the panel, and Senator John McCain of Arizona, the top Republican. It represents the most thorough review by Congress to date of the origins of the abuse of prisoners in American military custody, and it explicitly rejects the Bush administration’s contention that tough interrogation methods have helped keep the country and its troops safe.

The report also rejected previous claims by Mr. Rumsfeld and others that Defense Department policies played no role in the harsh treatment of prisoners at Abu Ghraib in late 2003 and in other episodes of abuse.

Heckuva job, Rummy.

And because Christmas is coming, I'd like to offer you this fine stocking stuffer. Imagine the fun you and your children can have with this Donald Rumsfeld talking action figure!

Worst Gift Ever

Holidays bring crazy traditions. Tell me, who thought up this one? A group of friends or co-workers get together and agree to bring an "exchange gift." You have no idea who will get your gift. It could be a man or a woman, single or married, a drinker or a non-drinker. So you aim for that special something-for-nobody-in-particular type of gift. And oh yeah, it's supposed to be in that $5 - $10 price range. Right.

So I go about my shopping earnestly. I decide on a festive holiday oven mitt with a package of sugar cookie mix, and I throw in some measuring spoons for... uh... good measure.

So after a lovely dinner, the exciting moment arrives. For lack of creativity, we all pick random numbers, and then somehow the person in charge decides who gets to pick the first gift. My turn came second. I must have had 14 wrapped packages to choose from, but I remembered that "good things come in small packages." Right. Also, I didn't want to carry home a bulky casserole dish or some other awkward thingamajig.

The little package was tightly wrapped in tape, but before it was completely opened, I realized I made a big mistake. When I saw THIS, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry:



Keep in mind, nobody said anything about a "white elephant" gift or white hippo gift for that matter. But that's what I got -- a ceramic white hippo with a red hat, and oddly placed cracked and peeling heart stickers. One tattered decal on the hippo's belly said "to the greatest mom." I'm not even a mom.

Later we discovered that the hat unscrews, and it was obviously once a perfume bottle. My friend John bravely wafted the open bottle under his nose. Not a drop of the fragrance remained which was probably a blessing.

Next, we did the obvious -- rubbed it to see if a magic genii would come out. Nothing. We placed it under a cloth napkin hoping to forget about the pathetic thing, but it was still good for a few more laughs...

We thought of playing this fun scavenger type game, but I couldn't imagine walking up to a strange man at the restaurant bar and saying "can you show me something bigger and better?" (Now that I'm sober, I realize that would have been hysterically embarrassing.)

We thought of bringing the hippo to a target shooting range, but apparently they don't like you to fire upon ceramic items.

Anyway, somehow, accidentally-on-purpose the hippo disappeared on the way home. But please, nobody email me and tell me that the hippo was a rare 16th century Yiddish tchotchke. Just leave me with my happy memories.

Gifts I Won't Be Giving

It's my favorite time of year again. Seriously. I plan to be very busy with the decorating, wrapping, baking and visiting festivities this month... but the shopping? I've done pretty well this year, and I'm almost done. I even avoided Black Friday.

But here is an unfortunate dilemma most people don't find themselves in. I found the craziest gift ever, but there is no man (or exhibitionist) in my life to give it to. Boohoo:

This book contains no nudity. No profanity. No sexual material of any kind. And yet it just might be the naughtiest book of the year!

Penis Pokey is an illustrated board book with a large die-cut hole in its center. Every spread features a dazzling full-color illustration with one thing missing — a banana, perhaps, or a fire hose, or a sea serpent. Male readers can complete the illustrations using the talents God has given them.

I know many of my readers have some interest in politics, so here is another unique gift. Even if I don't have anybody on my list who would appreciate this, maybe you do: Hillary Nutcracker and Corkscrew Bill.

I really try to find creative gifts for my friends, and I feel like a total failure when I resort to giving gift cards!

A Colbert Christmas

"I'm so excited right now, I'm sporting a yule log." — Stephen Colbert

A tip of the hat to Stephen Colbert for his war on the War on Christmas. A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All! is reminiscent of those old variety-show Christmas specials we haven't seen since the 70's... except this star-studded extravaganza has Willie Nelson, as the fourth of the three kings, telling the story of a plant that smokes more sweetly than either frankincense or myrrh:

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: Willie Nelson Sings

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

The show airs again this Thursday and Friday on Comedy Central.