We Aren't the World

Did anybody watch the Hope for Haiti Now benefit concert last night? It aired on just about every channel, but I avoided it. My objections to the show had nothing to do with Haiti and everything to do with smug and annoying pop-stars I don't like shedding tears for the camera.

I understand that telethons are used to spread awareness as well as raise money. During the 1985 Live Aid concert, donations were only trickling in, but during a break, a short film was broadcast showing starving and diseased Ethiopian children. The rate of giving became faster in the immediate aftermath of the heartbreaking video.

However, last night's concert extravaganza didn't serve the same enlightening purpose. In the days since the Haiti earthquake, we have all seen plenty of pictures of destruction and suffering. If everybody is already aware of the earthquake, then how does the telethon really help? Or why does it help? Are there really people who need to see Justin Timberlake singing Hallelujah before they'll donate? Yes, apparently there are millions of people like that.

A few days ago I got into an argument about this on a Sims board. Yes, you read that right. I got into an argument on a message board for the Sims video game. Some players wanted the game makers to sell special Haiti themed game items and donate a percentage of the profits to the Haiti relief fund. Zynga is doing something similar with Farmville. My caustic response was, "Give directly to the Red Cross and don't worry about what's in it for you and your fake people." Wow. That did not go over well with the other Simmers. I guess I should get over the idea that people should be altruistic.

I think Stephen Colbert was brilliant with his new Humanitarish Award for cost-benefit analyzed generosity:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Own a Piece of Histor-Me - Original Interview Table
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy

By the way, the best TV show last night was Conan O'Brien's Tonight Show farewell. He was funny, and classy, and went out jamming on the guitar. Somebody has to give him another television show, or we'll all be stuck watching that deranged jaywalker.

Fast Isn't Fast Enough (updated)

According to Satan's lawyers, the winning bidder of this Pat Robertson Voodoo Doll will take on full legal responsibility if anything bad should happen to Robertson. But don't let that stop you. Bidding on the item ends January 26 -- more than a week from now.

Which brings me to another matter that my friend Trung pointed out on his blog. In this age of instant messaging, our aid to Haiti isn't so instant. In fact, if you're text messaging your donations, your mobile carrier may not submit your money to charity until after you've paid your bill. This may lead to delays of 30 to 60 days. The best way to help the people of Haiti is to donate directly to respectable charities.

By the way, the whole idea of Haitian voodoo dolls is really just an idea conjured up by Hollywood. When you see those spooky little dolls in shops in Haiti or New Orleans, they are only there there to amuse the tourists.

Anyway, I never thought I'd be doing PR for voodoo, but while I'm at it, I might as well print some PR for Satan. He wants the world to know that he's never made any deals with Haiti:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

(LILY COYLE, MINNEAPOLIS)

Well, now we know how Robertson got his fame.

(update: Verizon, Sprint, and T-Mobile have agreed to release the money upfront.)

A Pact with the Devil

Maybe Pat Robertson thought that earthquake was in Hades and not Haiti? Why else would he be telling these fairy tales about pacts with the devil:


(MediaMatters video)

I live in California, and we are also often accused of dealings with the devil. However, somehow our civil engineering and strict adherence to building codes have minimized our losses during comparable earthquakes. True story.

But I'm thoroughly tired, disgusted, and dismayed by the childish and superstitious explanations for "why bad things happen." What is this? The dark ages? Haiti has had a series of disasters including flooding, tropical storms, and hurricanes which they are vulnerable to because of geography, soil erosion, and deforestation. Haiti is the poorest country in the Americas, and their government has a history of corruption. No wonder they can't make a building stand:

Haiti is 80% Roman Catholic and 16% Protestant, and during a time of heartbreaking crisis, a leading American Christian stigmatizes them with blame and bullshit. They don't need this.