The Signs They Are A-changin'

Due to a few millennia of the earth wobbling on its axis, the stars have shifted in the night sky making traditional horoscope signs nearly a month off! This must be fixed immediately -- at least a few of my dopey Facebook friends are following the wrong astrological sign!

Luckily, Minnesota Planetarium Society's Parke Kunkle has come to the rescue with a newly calibrated list of dates:

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

Notice there are now 13 signs? The ancient Babylonians discarded Ophichus because I guess they were superstitious about the number 13, but we modern folk aren't superstitious at all! (Except when we follow primitive myths.)

My sister, a Virgo, proudly displayed her zodiacal characteristics on a wooden plaque on her bedroom wall: fastidious, good judgment, and organized it said. She has lived up to it.

My sign, Cancer, stuck me with anxious, timid, and clingy. Jesus, no wonder I rejected this shit from the beginning. But now apparently I'm a Gemini, and my self-esteem is already improving. I'm lively, entertaining and romantic, though kind of fickle.

Yes, astrology is silly. And just to prove how silly it is, astrologers are debunking astronomers, decrying their lack of research on the subject. Astrologers say they are quite aware of the precession of the equinoxes, but it is irrelevant because their work is actually based on movements of the planets in our own solar system. Ah okay, but still no logic on how these solar zones of influence rule my personality and life? I didn't think so...

If you're confused but still want to follow your daily horoscope for entertainment, my advice is pick whatever sign you like best, and go with it!

But whatever you do, don't get it tattooed on your butt.