Scary Names

"Hi, I'm Larry, this is my brother Mohammed, and this is my other brother Mohammed!" — Lost episode of Newhart. Or not.

So Bill Maher is alarmed that "Mohammed" is the most popular name for baby boys in Britain. "And it’s not because of the race," says Maher, "it’s ’cause of the religion. I don’t have to apologize, do I, for not wanting the Western world to be taken over by Islam in 300 years?"

(Mediaite video.)

I seem to remember the last time I blogged about what's in a name I was laughing at Glenn Beck for casting suspicion over the name Barack! Remember the whole insinuation that The President was less American or trying to identify with radical Kenyans or whatever because of his name?

Well, I like Bill Maher much more than I like Glenn Beck, but he doesn't get a free pass here. It's not the same issue exactly, but Maher is expressing the same fear that my Republican chain-letter forwarding parents have: that Muslims are out-procreating us white people.

But I'll tell Maher the same thing I tell my parents: start your research at Snopes.com. There are some wild population predictions going around that are based on impossible levels of Muslim fertility.

And another thing to consider is that maybe Muslim parents are picking names from a smaller pool of possibilities. So even though the UK is only about 4.6 percent Muslim, if they're all picking the same name, it's going to top the charts.

However, these answers don't tackle the much bigger problem that Beck and Maher (and my parents) seem to have: denying the existence of a moderate Muslim majority and regarding Islam as a problem for the world.

Remember My Name

Glenn Beck is the #1 most loathsome American according to The Beast. Maybe I shouldn't pick on low-hanging fruit for quick laughs? Let me ponder that for 0.3 milliseconds. Nope, I'm still going to pick on him.

His latest tirade is awesomely kooky. It doesn't quite top his "oligarhy" sermon from last year, but it's funny... until you remember that millions of full-grown adults actually take him seriously:


(Media Matters video)

Here's the text so you can read it and weep (for our nation):

BECK: He chose to use his name, Barack, for a reason. To identify, not with America -- you don't take the name Barack to identify with America. You take the name Barack to identify with what? Your heritage? The heritage, maybe, of your father in Kenya, who is a radical? Really? Searching for something to give him any kind of meaning, just as he was searching later in life for religion.

So Beck is engaging in some very nutty speculations, but this is my first question: Didn't we already debate this? Yes! I remember, it was during the 2008 election! Pundits were screaming "Barack Hussein Obama has a funny name," along with much worse accusations. But what was the outcome? Oh, yeah... we elected him! Most Americans got over the foreign sounding name and elected Barack Hussein Obama as the 44th President of the United States!

But now, Glenn Beck wants to cast suspicion over Obama's name change -- when he went from his nickname "Barry" to his real name Barack during his college years. Never mind that Obama already explained it to Newsweek: "It was not some assertion of my African roots … not a racial assertion. It was much more of an assertion that I was coming of age. An assertion of being comfortable with the fact that I was different and that I didn't need to try to fit in in a certain way."

Now imagine what Glenn Beck would be saying if Barack was still going as "Barry." He'd accuse the President of hiding his heritage, being false and ashamed. It's bad enough Beck and other wingnuts shout Obama's middle name as if they're uncovering something big -- like Monicagate all over again.

"What's in a name? That is what we ask ourselves in childhood when we write the name that we are told is ours." — James Joyce.

I know Republicans are really into these purity tests, but my own name is Norwegian, both my sisters' names are English, and my brothers' are Germanic and Hebrew. What were my Republican parents thinking? But I guess conservatives only find African and Arabic names terrifying.

Or maybe they don't realize that what they assume is American isn't always American. Take the name America for example. It came from the Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci. That's right. Our country has a foreign name just like our President. Get over it Beck.