What Not To Get Me 2010

This post started as a list of ten dorky gifts under $10, but the truth is that I wouldn't want to receive most of this stuff, it's not all under $10, and I couldn't come up with ten things. But certainly giving any of these items to your loved ones will make it a Christmas to remember!


First up is this Buzz Light Year sippycup. My, doesn't he look confident? Maybe it's because he doesn't contain any cadmium... Or...

Next up is How to Live with a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much. $10.36 from Amazon.com. The taboos have all been shattered. Penis books are definitely HOT this year!


If that title is a little too suggestive, you might want to consider this gem: Obscene Interiors available at Dream in Plastic for $8.00. What could be obscene about interior decorating you might ask? Let me quote the publisher: "Artist/Author/Provocateur Justin Jorgensen provides incredible voyeuristic insight into interior decorating through the unlikely prism of online personal ads. The exhibitionistic men who originally appeared in these found images have been turned into anonymous silhouettes so that Jorgensen can critique the much-more-interesting bad decorating taking place in the background."

Enough already. This list is about more than wee-wee themed jokes. How about an inflatable banana protector for that special someone on your list? It's available from a UK company called Fruity Faces and will set you back a couple of British pounds. Honestly, I'm thinking about the children with this one. They need more fiber in their diets!

Also, bacon flavored popcorn for $4.99 from ThinkGeek.com. I'm not sure if anybody needs this in their diets, but thanks to Holy Juan's secret Santa who I stole this gift idea from.

Another fine culinary delight courtesy of ThinkGeek.com is bleeding heart gummy candy! The world needs more bleeding hearts.

My final gift idea is for the skeptic on your list. In fact, frequent readers might have noticed how often I use the word "skeptical," so it's appropriate that science-themed ceramic jewelry (approx. price $18 - $38) gets the Dorkmonger gift-giving seal of approval this year.

And remember friends, this holiday season, don't drink and gift.

Somebody Needs a...

HugEGram? Only give this to your Valentine if he/she 1) enjoys ironic gifts, 2) is turned on by Mickey Mouse hands, and/or 3) you don't have arms:


(YouTube video)

Midnight Madness

This really does sound like a late night Christmas bargain bonanza. I'm talking about the midnight regulations -- actually more like deregulations -- that President Bush is zealously handing out at an accelerated pace as his reign comes to an end. Each new rule is a special gift tied in a bow for one of his friends:

To the coal companies: a new rule that makes it easier for companies that mine for coal buried under mountaintops to dump rock and sludge near rivers and streams.

To a British mining company: a permit allowing them to explore for uranium just outside Grand Canyon National Park, less than three miles from a popular lookout over the canyon’s southern rim.

To the oil companies: (considering that Bush already gave them the war in Iraq, this one is more like a stocking stuffer) new regulations to develop oil shale deposits straddling almost two million acres of public lands in Colorado, Utah and Wyoming.

To the industrial farms: new regulations to circumvent the Clean Water Act, leaving it up the the farms themselves to decide if animal waste discharges are harmful or not.

To big chemical companies: a decision to exempt perchlorate, a known toxin found in jet rocket fuel and our water supply, from federal regulation. Hey, if it ends up in our drinking water, just think of it as recycling... right?

To business: a new rule that makes it harder for the government to regulate toxic substances and hazardous chemicals to which workers are exposed on the job.

To fundamentalist pharmacists: a new rule that says health care providers can refuse to assist, due to religious or moral reasons, in the performance of any part of a health service program or research activity financed by the Department of Health and Human Services. Many believe this regulation might prevent some women from obtaining birth control.

And to the rest of us, he leaves debt, two wars/occupations, a shitty economy, an imperiled planet, and a government that spies on its citizens. They always say "it's the thought that counts," but be thankful for gift receipts...

I thought I read that it was easy to undo these midnight regulations, but the process is not simple. From a Rolling Stone article on Bush's Final FU, the Congressional Review Act (CRA) may be the best hope for overturning these rules, but it's not easy:

But even this option, it turns out, is fraught with obstacles. First, the CRA requires a separate vote on each individual regulation. Second, the act prohibits reviving any part of a rule that has been squelched. Since Bush's rules sometimes contain useful reforms — the move to limit the Family and Medical Leave Act also extends benefits for military families — spiking the rules under the CRA would leave Obama unable to restore or augment those benefits in the future. Whatever Obama does will require him to expend considerable political capital, at a time when America faces two wars and an economic crisis of historic proportions.

So what should the world give Bush for Christmas? An Iraqi journalist already gave him a gift with sole (if video doesn't show, click here):



Too bad he missed, but hey, it's the thought that counts.

Worst Gift Ever

Holidays bring crazy traditions. Tell me, who thought up this one? A group of friends or co-workers get together and agree to bring an "exchange gift." You have no idea who will get your gift. It could be a man or a woman, single or married, a drinker or a non-drinker. So you aim for that special something-for-nobody-in-particular type of gift. And oh yeah, it's supposed to be in that $5 - $10 price range. Right.

So I go about my shopping earnestly. I decide on a festive holiday oven mitt with a package of sugar cookie mix, and I throw in some measuring spoons for... uh... good measure.

So after a lovely dinner, the exciting moment arrives. For lack of creativity, we all pick random numbers, and then somehow the person in charge decides who gets to pick the first gift. My turn came second. I must have had 14 wrapped packages to choose from, but I remembered that "good things come in small packages." Right. Also, I didn't want to carry home a bulky casserole dish or some other awkward thingamajig.

The little package was tightly wrapped in tape, but before it was completely opened, I realized I made a big mistake. When I saw THIS, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry:



Keep in mind, nobody said anything about a "white elephant" gift or white hippo gift for that matter. But that's what I got -- a ceramic white hippo with a red hat, and oddly placed cracked and peeling heart stickers. One tattered decal on the hippo's belly said "to the greatest mom." I'm not even a mom.

Later we discovered that the hat unscrews, and it was obviously once a perfume bottle. My friend John bravely wafted the open bottle under his nose. Not a drop of the fragrance remained which was probably a blessing.

Next, we did the obvious -- rubbed it to see if a magic genii would come out. Nothing. We placed it under a cloth napkin hoping to forget about the pathetic thing, but it was still good for a few more laughs...

We thought of playing this fun scavenger type game, but I couldn't imagine walking up to a strange man at the restaurant bar and saying "can you show me something bigger and better?" (Now that I'm sober, I realize that would have been hysterically embarrassing.)

We thought of bringing the hippo to a target shooting range, but apparently they don't like you to fire upon ceramic items.

Anyway, somehow, accidentally-on-purpose the hippo disappeared on the way home. But please, nobody email me and tell me that the hippo was a rare 16th century Yiddish tchotchke. Just leave me with my happy memories.

Gifts I Won't Be Giving

It's my favorite time of year again. Seriously. I plan to be very busy with the decorating, wrapping, baking and visiting festivities this month... but the shopping? I've done pretty well this year, and I'm almost done. I even avoided Black Friday.

But here is an unfortunate dilemma most people don't find themselves in. I found the craziest gift ever, but there is no man (or exhibitionist) in my life to give it to. Boohoo:

This book contains no nudity. No profanity. No sexual material of any kind. And yet it just might be the naughtiest book of the year!

Penis Pokey is an illustrated board book with a large die-cut hole in its center. Every spread features a dazzling full-color illustration with one thing missing — a banana, perhaps, or a fire hose, or a sea serpent. Male readers can complete the illustrations using the talents God has given them.

I know many of my readers have some interest in politics, so here is another unique gift. Even if I don't have anybody on my list who would appreciate this, maybe you do: Hillary Nutcracker and Corkscrew Bill.

I really try to find creative gifts for my friends, and I feel like a total failure when I resort to giving gift cards!

Smarter Than a Third Grader

(If video doesn't show, click here.)

Hey Keith, don't forget about Palin's other parting gift -- a new $150k wardrobe!

Ok, I'm having a little bit of election fatigue right now. How many times can we go over the role of the VP with this woman? Can't she just Google the answer?

Speaking of parting gifts, Bush is giving a particularly sick parting gift to the people of Appalachia.