Simon Says

I allow myself one American Idol post per season. This is it.

Yes, it was the season finale tonight. Spoiler alert! As if you care -- Lee DeWyze won... a very talented and nice guy, but when you make it into the top two, you might want to rehearse a victory speech or something so you don't stand there gasping "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god." But that's okay. Does anybody really watch to find out the winner?

I watch for the entertainment, and there were a few... umm... let's say WTF moments tonight. The best was Bret Michaels performing a duet with Casey James. Hey Bret, glad you didn't die with that recent stroke and all. Take it easy.

Another unlikely guest appearance was Alice Cooper doing a number with Idol contestants dressed like school girls. It was mildly creepy.

Then there was the Pants on the Ground guy joined by everybody's favorite Idol reject, William Hung. Saggy pants and William Hung: two things that should go away! Seriously, not to sound like a cranky old person, but when is this whole saggy pants fad going to end?

Then there was the lollapalooza of all performances when all the previous Idol winners and runners-up sang together. There was Kelly Clarkson, and that other dude from season one with the wild curly hair (still), and then there was that guy with the pre-mature gray hair who shilled for Ford, and then there was... wait... who's missing? No Clay Aiken? No Adam Lambert?

This not-quite reunion was part of the farewell roasting of Idol judge Simon Cowell who is leaving the show. It won't be the same without his brutally honest assessments. I don't know if any future judge can use the word "ghastly" quite as effectively without the snooty British accent. It just won't be the same.

But I've saved the biggest most surprising WTF moment for last. At the end of a song mocking Simon and all his rudeness and arrogance, it appeared that contestants who had been ridiculed in past seasons were finally going to get one moment of retribution to sing off-key and tell Simon to kiss their tone-deaf asses -- and then a total Kanye West moment. Some guy named Ian Benardo stormed the stage, snatched the mic... and well, just watch:

MTV Shows

Cut! Cut to a commercial! Well, at least it wasn't boring.

Interview with the Glampire

Maybe Adam Lambert is trying to save money on a costume this Halloween? The overly dramatic American Idol runner-up will be going as a "glampire."

The Onion has some advice on how to find a masculine Halloween costume for your effeminate son, but it's a little too late for Adam:


How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

Homeland Security Idol

American Idol meets DHS in ABC's new reality show Homeland Security USA. Tonight, I watched it so you don't have to.

From the start, a faceless and booming voice-of-authority tells us how brave men and women safeguard our country and enforce our laws while patrolling our borders. I assume they mean these border regions that nearly 2/3 of the US population lives in, and the ACLU refers to as a "constitution-free zone."

So how do you turn an absurd bureaucracy with an Orwellian name into fun family entertainment? Well, you have to have some zany characters like the Swiss belly dancer who, in broken English, wanted to know if she would get a refund on her airline ticket because she was being sent back home. I was waiting to hear her sing, but then I remembered that show doesn't start until next week.

A reality show has to promise a lot of suspense. Oh look, we caught a terrorist using his real name and birth date! Oh wait. A case of mistaken identity. But how nice of the kindly agents to tell the family, after traumatizing their children with guns, how to handle the situation in the future. (We don't hear what this advice is, by the way.)

The producers must have an easy time making this show. Everything is right out of the Bush-Cheney propaganda handbook. They stick to the official script that DHS is securing the United States from terrorist threats and attacks. But where were the threats? The umpteen pounds of drugs confiscated don't scare me in the least. Make them legal already. The barbecued bats from Thailand? That's definitely gross and they might have made a few people sick, but I wish our government could put the same effort into inspecting imports which are a very real threat.

Finally, we're treated to the new American experience of airport security theater. The bizarre scene of a boy around age 11 dutifully reporting the contents of his backpack to an agent made me wonder if Bush ever envisioned a Youth League. Hey, it's not too late, George. You've got two weeks left.

The message of the show was clear. Shut up. We're doing this for your own good. Now stand still while we put this collar around your neck.

I rate this show "code red." Be on high alert if you dare to watch it.

American Idol

I said I wouldn't, but I did. I watched the American Idol two hour finale tonight. Here are my thoughts: I hated the boxing metaphor, I didn't even remember half of the 12 finalists, I still love hearing Jason Castro sing "Hallelujah," I thought it was dumb that Donna Summer sang "Last Dance" at 30 minutes into a two hour show, I still think Paula is drunk, I thought it was a bit gay that all the guys sang "Heaven" together, Jimmy Kimmel's joke about Sanjaya was mean, I don't understand why they gave that Renaldo Lapuz guy more air time, George Michael sang a really dull song, I hope his new stuff is better, David Cook won. Does any of this really matter?